What He Doesn't Know...

(With apologies to Mr. Calamansi)

He doesn't know that when I smile at him I imagine sticking a long pointy stick in his eye socket and pulling his eyeball out and roasting it, while still fresh and bloody, over a black candle. Why black? I don't know.

He doesn't know that the very sight of him makes my skin crawl, that i get the urge to bathe in alcohol after every conversation.

He doesn't know that when he lights up a cigarette, i want to curl up in a tight ball and seal myself up in a glass jar to get away from the sight and scent of his slow suicide, one stick at a time. I want to scream and rant and rave at him and beg him to stop smoking. He is so sick now and it scares me that he wants to die, even subconsciously.

He doesn't know that when i see his name on Caller Id, I put on a shield and turn into a bitch just to make him leave me alone. I pray and pray often for him to leave me alone.

He doesn't know that when we're walking in dark places his hand automatically reaches out to mine to steady me. His warmth always soothes me. And he never pushes me. And he makes me feel so safe even if he only comes up to my eyebrows.

He doesn't know that when he texts me and addresses me as Baby Master i want to grab him and squish him with hugs and squeeze him sooo tight i'm afraid i might kill him.

He doesn't know when he sends me mushy messages i laugh out loud and make sarcastic jokes about him being so needy and throw my phone away and forget about him promptly.

He doesn't know that i dream about him every night. Crazy dreams about burying him neck deep next to a Brazilian Fire Ant colony and bathing his head in honey, or pulling his teeth out one at a time, or tying him down naked in the corridor of the second floor boys wing of this dorm and leaving him at the mercy of the baklas.

He doesn't know when i see him sitting at FA I mentally undress him.

He doesn't know that when i laugh at his sarcastic little probing remarks about me i am hurting.

He doesn't know that i know he is lying to me. But i take it because i don't have to and i'm not stupid and we're pretending that i am.

And strangely enough, he thinks i am sane. Wow.