Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Envy

Envy is a sin. I have to keep reminding myself that. To get it out of my system, I have to say it. Again and again. Envy is a sin.
I wish i could be like the writers, the angsty, tortured writers whose mouths spit out fertile literary poop. The ones who lie awake, pondering the mysteries of life, the ones who cannot live without a pen and paper, the ones who can summarize a day in three words. I especially want to be like the ones who can put two words together and make it sound like profound blog name. Like Dustdance. Or Intelligent Ash. The best I can do is make corny jokes. Yep. Ask my tobie, or the beast. They aren't even that funny.
I wish i could write deeply, and with a sentence rip out people's hearts, and with an exclamation mark make them stop and think. The ones who chainsmoke on starbucks' smoking sections somewhere in the bowels of makati, tapping into their spanking new i-books. And yes. I want the ibooks too. With the color-shifting apples.
I wish i could be like my artist-classmates in Fine Arts too. Always busy drawing or painting or doodling, like the lines are in their head forcing their way out through their fingers, or through their throats. Always with their eyes elsewhere and their hands always busy, always in motion to record the images in their heads. Always scribbling away, capturing birds and trees and revolutions on paper.
I cannot imagine what it is like to be always painting. I cannot imagine what to paint. Or what to say. Or what to draw.
I guess I wish i was someone with something to say. Something so profound that everyone would stop and look at my drawing and be moved, or listen to my words and think. I envy those who have the gift of expression. But I wish I had something concrete, something substantial, instead of the empty mediocrity that makes me despair.

5 comments:

Saint Eroica said...

envy is human nature. one good thing about it, it makes you strive for better... just don't let it get into your heart and soul. anukaba?????? you have so much that most people would die 1st before they get it! i mean, i may not know you that well pa, but i'm sure the love that tobie gives is more than enough to be darn proud of! as for the writing chuva, once a upon a time when i was still a starving young unemployed brat, i had a job interview with a famous tv broadcaster ( i wanted to be a media slave that time), i arrived at the interview equipped with a boasting credential and yes with a "gift" which i wasn't ashamed of. I thougt i was a good writer. so when he asked me what i have that other applicants dont (except for the college degree, material crap etc), i proudly told him that i believe i am a good writer. you know what that ahole son of a ketsup said??? "That's it??? Miss Mendoza, everybody is a writer! What's so special about that???" o diba nakakwindang ang sagot niya! ask me what i did after that? i politely told him " then i guess we have nothing substantial to talk about if you think that writing is not a gift but a mere act of habit. thank you for your time and good bye." then i left. what i'm trying to say here is that, the ability to write well is not an absolute strength but rather it's more of a subjective ability like beauty and art. maaaring sa iba di ka magaling pero sa iba ikaw ay henyo... and from my point of view, you write good! kaya nga i read your blog! to hell what other say. basta happy ka, inggit sila! ;)

and btw, that broadcaster is still famous and alive. ok lang. i now have my own media inc. small but at least it's mine to relish and love!

Tybalt1701 said...

I sometimes wonder if it is healthy to live without sin, or if it is possible to live at all without them. The point is, you should control them and not allow them to control you. As for your share of excellence, be patient and attentive. Focus on catching it instead of bemoaning it's current absence. After all, as Qui Gon Jin said, "What you focus on becomes your reality". Focus on appreciating excellence instead of envying it and before you know it, it will be yours.

isha said...

haha yeah, i suppose you're right, eroica. It's just frustrating lang kasi now.

Adrian, btw, i have an interview wit your company bukas, fingers crossed. Hpe it works out.

And tobie's more than enough. He makes everything better :D

evil_eye said...

put it this way, I went through the same frame of mind and tried to write about it. my post did not end up even a fraction as intelligable as yours.

i envy YOU, ish.

;-)

isha said...

awww... thanks, edzel. Sweet of you. hugs. But i wish i could write like you too, haha.