So i went to Malate Church yesterday with my mother for 6pm mass. The priest was a big, bluff Irishman who spoke about the lies and false promises in Gloria's SONA, during the homily. We decided to ask for a confession afterwards, because i skipped mass a couple of weeks ago to go to the New Worlds' Alliance convention.
We sat on yellow wobbly monobloc chairs at the sacristy, me and my mother, with a spider of an old woman of at least 150 years watching the religious products counter, the kind of ancient old woman bent with age and with huge thick magnifying lenses for glasses.
I asked her "Does the priest give confessions?"
She blinked owlishly and said "Nangungumpisal pa ang matanda." She gestured vaguely to where the priest and a 60 year old lady were huddled together, whispering and giggling quite like schoolgirls.
After they spoke, the priest hugged the old lady tight, dwarfing her in a bear hug. I approached timidly and was quite overpowered by the smell of body odor. The priest turned to me and smiled and took my hand and dragged me to the side table and rushed through the confession.
Me: I hate my brothers to the point of killing them in my head. I imagine killing them.
Priest: (laughing) It's all right to hate them. As long as you don't kill them. I have a brother i wanted to kill too, but he's got eight children and now i tell them they all owe their lives to me for not killing their da.
Priest: Really. And there's an old joke, where a man says, I never killed anybody, but i sure went to all their funerals.
I didn't even get penance, wheee. Is it a sin for me to discuss this online? Haha.
Anyway, afterwards, tearfully I went over to where my mom was sitting. The priest was on my heels, and he bellowed, "Are you the mother? Give yer garl a hoog!" And proceeded to hug me. Then hugged my mom. then hugged us both. For a very long time. Despite our protests. Then grabbed my hand. Then made us hug. Our cheeks were actually mashed together, but he wouldn't let go. We had to wrench ourselves free. He asked me when my birthday was, and told me to come back for a hug. I nodded awkwardly, drenched in sweat. My mom was backing away now. Then he hugged me one last time. I held my breath as long as i could, then we made our escape. Eek. When we got home, i headed to the showers to wash off the smell and the sweat.
Weirdest confession I've ever had.