On Endings

So I've been let go by the media company I have worked for the past year and 1/4 at. I'm happy. I was coming in today to hand them my resignation but i guess the boss scented the wind and sensed it and fired me instead. *shrugs*

What really really burns me, though, is that she could call my work into question and use that as an excuse. And then threaten not to give me a good reference if i didn't hand over the mag stuff for the next issue, which i was going to do anyway. And then call me disruptive when i am quietly minding my own business.

It literally has been a year and four months of hell at that place. Oh I had good times with Vanessa and Karen, and I did learn a lot. I get that I'm the next one voted off the island. Next month I know who'll be voted off next. It's a small company. At any given time there are 5 people max there, and in the time I have worked for them I have seen 8 people leave or get fired, including myself.

I hated that i was constantly singled out, constantly pointed out, constantly pulled aside and made to feel different. My suspicion of this is that because I look different, because I am not blond and blue-eyed and born in North America, because I don't speak with a midwestern twang like SHE does, I have a giant bulls' eye painted on my forehead.

I hated that I couldn't eat a single meal there without her eyeing it beadily and then counting every calorie, classifying every bit of it as carbohydrates or proteins, and at one point having her approve it. I didn't eat there after a while.

I hated all her pointed remarks about me having come from the third world and wasn't I lucky to work for her and her having hired me "off the boat." Seriously. I hated that she condoned racist and sexist treatment right in her office, reinforced it even by punishing the wrong person.

I hate that she treated her dogs better than she treated some of us. And she talked to me like I was one of her dogs. Like I couldn't understand any of it. And then she would hug me like that made it okay.

She was unbearably rude sometimes and she drove clients away. I hate that two of the clients she cited in my letter as grounds for dismissal were clients who were pissed off at her. I hate that she was so small minded that she couldn't tolerate real open mindedness. I hate the fakery that she perpetuated, I hate that she almost killed all sincerity in me and that I almost let her.

I hated all that glowwy lovey we are one with the universe crap that she was spouting. She would say constantly that I was psychic and I was gifted and whatever. I hate that she tried to make me dependent on her for my self confidence and that she tried to make me dance to her rules like a trained monkey. And now that I've stopped dancing she's gotten rid of me. Well good for her.

I hold in my laptop vital parts of the next month's issue. It is tempting, oh so tempting, to just delete them. After all, she didn't pay for this laptop. It's my machine. But I won't, simply because I am moving on and i will not let her or that office get to me. Because I have said this before. I believe in Karma. And good luck to them.